Chronic Illness, Chapel Requirements, and... the Holy Spirit??

If even one person reads this and feels seen, I’m good.
I’ve held this in for years and I’ve only told a few people.
For the record, this is NOT a call-out post. I’m not naming names, nor am I seeking revenge.

This is a this happened to me post. This is a dang, that messed me up a bit post.
This is a some of y’all need to remember what compassion looks like post.
This is a shawty was fucked up and used God to justify it post.
This is a let me put this down, finally, in writing post.

Also: I don’t owe not nary one of you muthafuckas my silence.

 So, anyway... It’s 2012. I'm in college. A Christian one. One of the requirements to remain in good standing was chapel attendance. If you didn't meet the requirement, you’d get a warning. If you didn’t meet it again the next semester, there would be consequences—like being placed on academic probation.

Now, at this time in my life, the chronic pain and crazy symptoms in this body of mine was thriving. Kickin’ my ass and showin’ out.

I didn’t know it at the time, but I was dealing with mad health stuff (read Long Live Phoenixes. IYKYK). What I did know was that I was in near-constant pain, experiencing heavy and erratic cycles, fatigue, nausea, and frequent ER visits. All while dealing with the emotional weight of no one knowing what the hell was going on with my body. My doctors and I were trying everything to manage my symptoms. Some of those treatments made me sick. Some made me sleep too much. Others made me anxious. I was being prescribed pills, shots, and more pills. It was a rough time.

I was still doing my best. I was attending classes, barely keeping up with assignments, and had medical documentation on deck. I was in pain, yes....but damn it...I was puttin’ in the fucking effort.

But chapel? And the evening small groups that were offered as alternatives? I wasn’t hitting the mark one semester in 2012.

Eventually, I got that official campus mail: You are under chapel attendance.

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I set up a meeting with one of the spiritual life leaders. I’m finna all her Sister Call. I came to the meeting ready, with my thick folder of documentation: ER visits, doctor’s notes, prescriptions, everything. I told her what I was going through and offered to let her look through it.

Her response?

“With all the small groups we offer, there’s no excuse. Even with a medical issue. It’s impossible with the amount of small groups on campus”

It was clearly possible being that I was fucking sitting across from her.

She declined to look at the documents.

I was livid. I felt dismissed, gaslit, and accused of laziness or dishonesty.

I told a friend about the situation, and they referred me to another staff member. I’m finna call her Sister Sense. I met with her, shared the same info, and handed over the folder. She actually took time to go through it. Her response?

“You’re fine. If you miss next semester’s chapel requirement too, make sure you hang onto this documentation for the appeal process.” Not verbatim but I’m paraphrasing.

She was calm, compassionate, and clear. I appreciated her so much.

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 A few weeks later, I signed up for an intercessory prayer session. These were optional sessions where students could receive prayer from trained peers. They’d pray over you, listen, and sometimes help you work through deeper stuff if you wanted. That day, I walked in feeling overwhelmed, defeated, and honestly a little spiritually lost. I didn’t go in with anything specific—I just needed some kind of release.

And guess who was there overseeing the 2-3 students?

Sister Call.

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Now, I don’t know if she was supervising or just assisting, but she was definitely present when I met with the student prayer team. As I began to explain what I was going through—emotionally, physically, spiritually—I remember saying something like, “I just feel stuck. Lost. I don’t even know what else to say.” I was trying to catch my breath, and then:

Lies. Lies. Lies. That’s what I’m getting from the Holy Spirit.

She said that. Out loud. In front of the other students.

She wasn’t correcting me. She wasn’t asking a question. She said the Holy Spirit was telling her that what I said was lies.

Not just doubting me. Not just side-eyeing. She pulled out the God card.

I don’t even remember how the rest of that prayer session went. I dissociated. I was already vulnerable, raw, and exhausted. She used that moment to reassert her disbelief but this time in poorly dressed up in divine revelation.

Looking back now, with the vocabulary and perspective I didn’t have back then, I can say it plainly:

That was spiritual gaslighting.

Shawty used her authority and spiritual role to label me dishonest—not because of anything God said, but because she had already made up her mind. And she chose to say it out loud, in a moment meant for healing.

But I also know this:

What she said didn’t reflect the Holy Spirit. It reflected her bias.

People like Sister Sense exist. People who listen. People who seek understanding before casting judgment. But that doesn’t undo the damage of those who misuse spiritual language to police what they can’t see.

To spiritual leaders reading this: compassion ain’t optional. And “God told me”, should never be a tool to invalidate someone... especially to invalidate a health issue.

I survived that season. Eventually, I got the surgeries and procedures I needed. I managing it better now. But that moment…being invalidated in the name of God…left a scar. Not because I believed her. But because, in that moment, I needed care.

And instead, I got condemnation.

I’ve forgiven. But I haven’t forgotten.

I’ve finally written it down…’cause I know I’m not the only one. It happens…interesting how it happens when we’re still younger and still finding voice. Hmph. That’s another blog post for another time though.

If you’ve ever been in a spiritual environment where your pain, physical, emotional, or mental was dismissed?

I believe you.

If your chronic illness, depression, grief, or exhaustion was met with suspicion and not care?

I believe you.