Behind the Poem: 11:11pm
Ya’ll peeped the VH1 “ Behind the Music” inspiration? If it cheesy….it ain’t me lol.
It was an unforgettable day, filled with a mix of emotions. The weight of a loss lingered in the air as someone from my past, with whom I shared a history, had passed away. The pain was raw, and I had also made a firm decision never to read or perform my poetry again a few months earlier.
Let’s all laugh together now:
It seemed almost comical now, thinking back on that vow. But at the time, I was drained and broken from a connection that caused more harm than good (By 2018, I was back at it. Performing in North Carolina, New Jersey, Baltimore and etc). As if I was being tested, I received a call from someone who had treated me poorly, attempting to manipulate their way back into my life (They did so successfully. Kudos to them for breaking me down enough to do so!).
The heaviness of it all was suffocating, and I felt myself sinking into despair. I eventually found myself standing in the kitchen, dragging my feet, as I switched on the kettle. The darkness around me didn't require a light, and I reached for my favorite mug, feeling a small sense of satisfaction as my lips curved into a faint grin. As the kettle heated up, my mind wandered, wondering why all the inner work I had done on myself seemed to be unraveling so quickly. A voice within whispered, urging me to release my pain and return to that inner work. The tea kettle whistled, and I added a hint of honey before pouring the steaming water into my mug. With a few gentle stirs, I held the warm cup in my hands, leaning against the stove.
In that moment, I realized there were habits, relationships, and mindsets that I needed to let go of, but I wasn't sure how or where to begin. It felt as though something had to give, but nothing seemed to budge. There had to be a big surrender, but I found myself unable to let go. I felt trapped, mentally imprisoned. But as I stood there, allowing the silence, darkness, and steam to settle the noise within, a realization washed over me. If I truly desired transformation and a return to the inner work that had brought me solace before, I had to make changes. Whatever it took, I was ready. Ready for whatever the next steps may be, even if I wasn't exactly sure what "ready" looked like.
With my eyes closed, I took a sip of my chamomile tea, savoring the moment. When I opened my eyes, the microwave read 11:11 pm.
The journey ahead might be uncertain, but I was willing to trust myself and the unknown. The power of 11:11 reminded me to stay open to new possibilities and to listen to my intuition as I ventured forth. In that kitchen, in that moment, I made a silent promise to be patient and compassionate with myself. I knew that there would be ups and downs along the way. But I also recognized the strength within me, the strength to create change, and the strength to shape a life that resonated with my dreams and desires.
11:11pm was originally supposed to be placed into Long Live Phoenixes. However, something about it didn’t fit. It felt as though it was too early. Yes, Orange September is about love, romance and watching two people navigate love. However, opening myself up to a healthy love, a love that wasn’t in competition with me, no manipulative mind games… just have adventures, dance with me in the living room…opening myself to that happened ...when I saw 11:11pm on the microwave. Opening myself up to decrease overthinking, over catering to loved ones over myself, strengthening my boundaries, checking myself on my lame excuses to do better and etc happened that evening. The hunger to return to mindfulness, therapy and writing stories grew that evening....
It’s a short and sweet poem. Pretty calm…but it was a moment that signified a few big shake ups in a matter of eight months, ya’ll.
The big shake ups were worth it though.Uncomfortable, ugly, messy and hard….but hot damn, looking back: I’m thankful.
So, take a deep breath, my friend, and let go. Embrace the journey that unfolds before you, for you are ready for whatever comes next!
Orange September will be released on September 12th, 2023
You can pre-order the ebook today: Click Here
7 More Days!
