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May Reflection: Adjusting

A plethora of beautiful transitions ransacked my comfort zone since January. Although, I should be acquainted and unbothered to be pulled out of my comfort zone, once again- I got pulled out kicking and screaming. The root of my dramatic fear of the unknown and hesitancy to receive the amazing “new”:

Gobbling doubt as though it were a thanksgiving plate and treating trust like stale bread.

However, these passed three months have encouraged me to break free from internal rumination and cyclical overly cautious thoughts.

            I love having a plan. I adore knowing my next 17 steps and what shoes to wear on my way to my destination.  From December 2017 ‘til the ending of April, I only knew of the first 7 steps and it was too dark to see what shoes I was wearing. But, the destination is pretty dope. I had to trust my gut and trust that everything would fall into place.

My fiancé and I moved out of state and I did so without a solid job or any potentials. I knew I wanted to continue temping while freelancing. So, I applied to two temp agencies and visited the both of them 4 days before I officially moved in. Two days after moving in, I was offered a 3 week assignment. I knew I was going to be fine. However, I got distracted by well-meaning loved ones and co-workers who felt like leaving so far without a solid job was a recipe for disaster. Some people stated how “dangerous” my new location was. As if the Old Bed-Stuy Brooklyn I grew up in, was paradise. I assured them that I would be fine although I was a bit anxious from their comments, I still believed. I’m still settling in, but I’m getting the hang of this new spot. I will continue to trust my gut, despite how unconventional or how “that’s not how things usually work” my steps may be.

             I often have hefty moments where I feel as though I am solo on this journey. I know why – childhood stuff and traumatic experiences, blah, blah, blah. Unfortunately, the major transitions and (still) unsolicited responses from loved ones about my engagement gave an opportunity to feel alone once again. Nevertheless, my support team was there to remind me that I am no alone. I had my father, Aunties, friends and a fiancé in my corner. As life continues on, I am forever grateful to have people who support me and lift me up. Sometimes, it may take a while for me to receive support because I’m too busy assuming that nobody got my back. I’ve gotten better at it this year. I am supported. I am not alone.

While I was busy transitioning, shifting and being dragged out of my comfort zone, my creative goals were pushed to the corner. I am slowly returning to my poetry, novel and random flailing of the arms to August Greene, Beyonce and Gary Clark Jr. I’m getting there. I sashay too.