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Acceptance: Part II

**Names and certain settings have been changed

I attended St. Barbara's Afterschool Program for at least two years (starting in the 4th grade, I think). It was at St. Barbara’s where I met Janessa. We were like Thelma N Louise from the start. There were a few nice/nasty girls at St. Barbara’s that definitely made my time at St. Barbara’ wonderful *Insert eye roll here*. They were nice/nasty because they were known for giving backhanded comments.  Famed for being kind initially, they had an agenda to belittle and talk down to people for amusement. Janessa was not excluded and, neither was I. We were both accused of kissing girls and being with other girls romantically. Their insults were molded in a way that dripped disgust and shame. It was more so Janessa than me. From what I remember, I think I was teased because I was Jenessa ’s friend. I was crushed by the way Dina pretended as though she didn't know me during the remainder of my time there. I still don't know if the rumors were true about Janessa. I did make it my business to convince those nice/nasty girls that I didn't like girls. I couldn't like girls. It was sinful, and I'd go straight to hell; I thought. Disassociating was a beautiful scarf I draped around my neck for years. I stuffed my feelings down in my guts and called it a life (Yes, I was that extra, I still am that extra)

 

When I was in the 8th grade, I told my bestie at the time that I was bi-sexual. He ended up telling quite a few people in our grade. I wanted to shrink to the size of a lima bean. I was mortified and I was wishing to shatter into little pieces and be blown away. The person I was fooling around with heard the news about me. She pretended as though she and I were strangers who mutter groggily, "Hello" on morning train rides. She didn't want others to sniff her out. I get it.

I entered high school open about my sexuality. I had my, "Omg we need to get married, have babies and live together forever" crushes as usual in high school. All girls though. The summer of my sophomore year, I found an article about how unnatural it was to be anything than heterosexual. I showed a loved one and they affirmed the article's message. I was anxious and curious to know why on earth would God create me knowing I wasn’t straight. I wanted to know why my attraction was deemed unnatural. I let the inquiries simmer down and invested my teen thoughts elsewhere.

 

On New Year's Day 2006, I got on my knees and gave my heart to Christ. I wasn’t in a dramatic situation or the typical “I was lost but now I’m found” testimonies.  Once I prayed that prayer, I decided to read the Bible and get to know God for real. Such a journey that was

( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-F7bo-sX5BU Series as to why I left Christianity. No, it has nothing to do with my sexuality!)

The summer of 2006, I had a boyfriend that I didn’t do much with physically, but I thought he was the sweetest thing! I was fine with the long moments of distance we had (Like not seeing each other for a month) and appreciated the fact that he didn’t mind my pace.

While we were together for those three years, I had a crush on my former best friend, a girl at my high school’s Christian Club and one of my draping teachers. When I told my former best friend, she stopped talking to me for a while (she is a Christian too) I felt rejected. Not because she didn’t feel the same (I knew she didn’t) but because a piece of me was not acceptable enough for her. We spoke maybe two months later. I knew I had to “fix” myself. I sought god for deliverance. I fasted, went to alter call, and set my mind on other matters. I was so sure I was delivered by 2008.

However, looking back, I realized it was just suppression that leaked out in other ways.  My freshman year in college, I mentioned to my best friend that I was once bi-sexual, but was delivered. I spewed that even though I had feelings for woman sometimes, I didn’t act on those feelings.

Until 2010, I did.

jasmine FarrellComment