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Phoenix Law #2: Letting Go of What I Was Told

Phoenix Law #2

I will no longer breathe in the lies

they have told me.

I will no longer ruminate on

the lies I’ve told myself.

I will no longer inhale fake perceptions and wonder

why I am asphyxiating on deceit.

-Long Live Phoenixes

I know what it’s like to reach out to people, you’ve admired, to tell you who you are. To search for your identity within their mouths. Hoping who you are would roll off of their tongue and you’d cup your hands, hoping it would pour into your makeshift cup.   I was the little girl who was freely herself, sashaying my little self in color and imaginary glitter. However, I was shrunk down to a mustard seed and had my eyes painted in black and white. I was demolished and rebuilt into something far away from who I really was.  I know what it’s like to continue the re-construction and affirm yourself unworthy of authenticity.

I’ve rearranged my essence, root, likes and dislikes, voice and style. I moved them all to the back of my mind and surrendered it to an unknown/intangible being, thinking it was for the better. I know about being confident in self loathing. I think many people have.

However, after many years of grooming myself into something I wasn’t for what I thought was  for the better, it left me empty, lost and angry. There were so many circumstances that encouraged me to face myself boldly. To cease ignoring the gnawing in my tummy and listen to my voice that was unrecognizable at that point. I would run from those circumstances externally, but faced all of it within. It was a battle. What I was once told and whispered to myself no longer served me. It never did. So many voices, doctrines and a lifestyle that contradicted my being, swirled around my mind. It had to stop. One day, I realized that I could either live my life for others, dogmatic principles, a questionable religion and constant inner battling OR for my soul’s urges and peace. I chose the latter.

I ran to the basics. I tried new things and explored NYC, experienced life without bias. I dropped old thinking patterns and old beliefs and realized how much I held myself back. I ceased demonizing ideologies and experiences. I ceased demonizing who I truly was. I dropped off the self-hate at Union Square park through mumbles and tears. There was no need for self -hate. There was never a need for it. I realized that I didn’t have to continue telling myself lies about myself. I had the choice to love on myself with kind words and to trust myself. I didn’t have to rely on others to tell me about me. Learning the sound of my inner voice and listening to it was the wave- always will be. Speaking positive and truthful affirmations is the reason why I am here today. I released the lies. I released demonizing my truth for the sake of a problematic bubble. I released the old mess I told myself to justify why I couldn’t chase my dreams.

There is more to life than living with your loved one's over cautious fears dripping from your thighs.  Not all traditions need to be passed down. Words that feed into your insecurities don’t have to be invited into your heart. You don’t have to keep people around you who bring you down and explain why they have the authority to do so. You can change your mindset. You can walk away. You can re-learn. You can update those negative affirmations into positive ones. You can be you authentically. Just let the excess weight go. It isn’t a one step journey, but it’s one crazy beautiful road that’s worth walking. I’m sure.